Doesn’t it bug you?
You tell me every day you love me, you miss me, you want me closer, you want to marry me, you want to have kids with me, yet you are with your girlfriend. doesn’t it bug you the way things are? why doesn’t it make you want to change things? I don’t understand. you want me to be patient. I can’t. That’s not who I am in love. I want you, I want you NOW. I don’t want to waste another day away from you. but you don’t see things the way I do I guess….. I just don’t understand.
“I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot try the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind.
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy to walk
Right in and out of my life?”
Sometimes, I wish that I could have everything handed to me like so many other people my age… I wish I could have college paid for, my parents buy me brand new cars, have rent, food, gas, insurance, all paid for.
But then I remember that I work for my own living, and nothing feels better than being able to say “I did it on my own” and now I am the person to go to when my own parent needs help. I am only 19, and I am doing better off than my mother and her fiance.
Not only that, but I strive to help other people, and that feels good to me.
I earned my car, I bought it. I pay my for my own rent, bills, insurance, gas, food, necessities, and everything else, and damn is it good to say I am independent. Even though things get really hard sometimes, I know that I can count on myself to pull through and no one else can give me that.
I saw you. I saw you for one night. Not even 24 hours. You told me you love me. That you don’t even tell your girlfriend you love her. That you are changing so you can be a better man for ME. That I will be the only one to make you happy. That you’ve never talked to anyone else about kids. That I will make you a happy husband someday. You asked me what I wanted, my answer was simple. You. Only you. You asked what the two reasons why relationships go bad; finances and distance. You told me you aren’t financially stable. That I am doing better off and its hard for you to admit that when I am younger than you. You said the odds are against us and that you want to make sure that we have a chance to last. You told me that you couldn’t ask me to move to be with you because I don’t have a job there and that you couldn’t take care of me. And that you don’t have work here and you would be stressed. And you didn’t want us to fight one day about something stupid and come home and have you gone, because that’s what you do. You told me if I lived there we would be together. do you have the slightest clue how much that kills me? I am so close, but yet I don’t even have a chance. You have a girlfriend. But you tell me how special I am to you and that you want me… you aren’t showing me that. I watched a movie after I got home, and maybe someday I will have the courage to stand up and ask for what I want, and tell you to make a choice. But I’m not strong enough for that because I’m not ready to face the fact that I may not be your choice, and I may lose you for good. I told you I didn’t want to be second best and you keep telling me I’m not.. but I feel like all I am to you is some girl you see when you get away from home for work. I miss you. And I would do anything for you and to be with you. Most of all I would do anything to go back to when we first met. When you and I spent every night together. To keep believing that I was the only one and I had a chance. But sometimes I wish I never fell in love with you. Because I didn’t expect it to hurt this bad.
“I watched you cry bathed in sun light by the bathroom door, you said you wish you did not love me anymore”
You keep telling me not to worry because I have a “great heart” that’s great and all but having a great heart doesn’t seem to get me shit! Just told how I’m not good enough to be with the one person I fucking love more than anything and who knows if I may have a chance in the future.. And I’m sorry but that answer just isn’t good enough for me.
I just had the scariest, saddest, truthful, most amazing conversation, with the most amazing man in my life. I can’t tell you the amount of tears I just cried, the pain I felt, and the truth I learned in this past hour and a half. I WILL change myself. I already am changing myself. This man will have my whole heart for the rest of my life, regardless if we end up together or not. It terrifies me to know I hurt someone I love so much. I can’t believe I didn’t fully realize what a wonderful man I had, when I had my short time with you. And maybe, just maybe, I will get my chance, but even if I don’t, I know that you love me, and I love you. Because like you’ve said before, we have already gone through things that make people hate eachother after years of knowing and being together.. and we have known each other for 8 months. Its been a roller coaster. But I will always love you. And you will always be the man that made me realize my faults. Tell myself my faults. And tell me that I deserve the world. And for the first time in my life, I KNOW I do. I love you with my whole heart, and I can only hope that one day, my time will come, where I have ny chance. Because I will always want you.
All I want is to be with you. I hate liking you so much and getting so close with you when I know that you dont want to be in a relationship. I want to be with you. I don’t care that you are older than me. I want you. I hate you are going thru so much and all I’m doing is contributing to the problem. I hate this situation..
I can’t help but feel used by you, and I hate it. I have no idea what to do..
Random Daze theme by Polaraul